RK My Way
by Evil Scientist
Summary: In chapter three, we learn the hazards of having really long names for your moves, another 'Robin' falls to his doom, wonder if spandex was invented in the 1800's, and say 'Amakakeru ryuu no hirameki' way too many times.
1. Moonlight love coughcoughcough

Disclaimer: If I write stories on I obviously do not own Rurouni Kenshin. DUH.  
  
It was a lazy summer night, the kind where the air seems thick like molasses and you just want to sit forever on the porch, watching the fireflies light up the yard momentarily, then fade out as swiftly as they began, leaving no trace. A cool breeze drifted past, almost lazily, stirring fire red and ebony hair alike.  
  
Yes, two figures where not pausing enjoying the peace of the night. They stood alone in the middle of the dojo yard, visible to any eyes that should happen to glance their way. Even the watchful gaze of a certain street fighter at the shoji could not distract these people from their current activity, which demanded all of their physical and mental strength.  
  
Kenshin and Saitou stood three yards apart, amber eyes locked onto purple, searching for a weakness, a sign that his prey was about to make a move.  
  
Kenshin was ready. His muscles were taught, his sakabato glinting in the moonlight. He and Saitou knew they had to finish this now, lest their feud keep eating away at them from the inside, an mutual itch where they could only scratch the other's, and only with very sharp metal objects. That basically described the rivalry between the ex-Hitokiri and ex- Shinsengumi captain.  
  
Saitou moved in a flash, aiming his Gattoutsu [A/N: Spelling?] strait for Kenshin's chest. Moving even more swiftly, Kenshin dodged to the right. Saitou lost balance and stumbled forward, having put all his weight behind the thrust. Taking advantage of the opportunity, Kenshin swung his sword downwards at Saitou's head with enough force to concuss the chain-smoker into the next era.  
  
But Saitou's imbalance had been a sham, and he rolled forward, Kenshin's sword hitting the dust harmlessly and causing a small puff of smoke to rise. Saitou got to his feet quickly, and spun around, sinking low into the Gattoutsu stance. They were now right back where they had started, three yards from each other, and they customary began the act of hurling insults and morals as though they were deadly weapons.  
  
Then Kenshin declared, quite unexpectedly, "Before I attack you again, Saitou, I need to remove my gi so that we can please the female fans. If you would give me a moment?'  
  
"Aa."  
  
Kenshin quickly slipped one arm out of his unconventional pink gi, allowing it to hang roguishly off one shoulder, across his chest and then be intercepted as it tucked into his pants. "That should give the viewers enough eye candy to keep them tuned in, that it should."  
  
"You've forgotten just one thing, Battousai. What about the viewers who watch the show for its deep morals, intriguing plot lines, and historical accuracy?" Saitou's observation cut into Kenshin's chest like the sharpest katana.  
  
"Yeah, all three of them. And if we wanted to be historically accurate, I'd be dead."  
  
"Well then I shall kill you and make not only my day, but the day of those historical nerds out there watching the show."  
  
"You've forgotten just one thing, Saitou." Kenshin said this with the drama that you only hear when the good guy is revealing the one flaw in the evil villain's plan, the one, often insignificant, thing that made him[the bad guy] screw it all up. "It's NIGHTTIME!!!"  
  
Simultaneously, they lunged at each other, teeth bared and swords raised. They found themselves locked at the hilt of their blades, mere inches from each other, and thus began the fight to push each other to the ground.  
  
Needless to say, Kenshin was in trouble. His opponent was nearly twice his size, and though his body was definitely well toned (As measured in fan-girl drool), he just couldn't stand up to Saitou's weight. He felt his strength failing, his muscles screaming in protest. This was the end, he knew. Just when he was about to collapse, a glimmer of an idea hit him. Maybe, just maybe, he could surprise the cop enough to get him to drop his katana...  
  
Kenshin took his hands off the sakabato, causing the cop to fall forwards in a jumble of swords, right into Kenshin's arms.  
  
'That worked well,' thought Kenshin. 'And I didn't even get hurt by my sakabato, which should technically have fell blade-first right at me. Time for stage two: getting him so weirded out he will never challenge me to a fight again.'  
  
"And now, Saitou," proclaimed Kenshin with all the drama his tiny body could muster. Seizing Saitou's left hand in his right, he jutted their hands rigidly out in front of them like an absurd lance, and wrapped his other hand around Saitou's waist. "We tango."  
  
Kenshin strutted around the yard leading Saitou, who strangely enough didn't protest. Sano, seeing the chance to help a friend, pulled out his accordion [you SO do not want to know where he keeps it] and began playing a screechy, terrible tune that was perfectly suited to this occasion. It was an odd sight, a red-haired rurouni in pink and a tall cop who was a head and shoulders taller than the former parading around the dojo yard to a dance they shouldn't even know.  
  
After about two minutes of this, Kenshin was getting really worried. The fighter who had been out for his blood only minutes before made no move of protest as they engaged in possibly the most embarrassing act that Kenshin could think of.  
  
Unexpectedly, Saitou pressed his body suggestively up against Kenshin's and growled passionately, "I'm impressed. How did you know that my most secret desire dancing under the moonlight with you to sweet, soft music?" He pressed even harder and grinned wickedly. "I suppose this means you want me too? I'll warn you, I'm very good with swords of all types, if you catch my drift."  
  
Kenshin stared up at the cop, and he could think of only one thing to say. "...Oro?"  
  
The following segment is for people who would prefer to not think that Saitou is gay. I'm among them; I'm not anti-gay, but he is MARRIED after all, and Tokio is, as far as I know, a girl's name  
  
Later, the cop sat back at his office, smoking profusely, as usual. He found himself going over his battle with the Battousai. Admittedly, he had used underhanded tactics to scare the Battousai shitless, and he had needed a long, cold bath when he got home, but it was worth it just to see the look of complete astonishment, disgust, and fear on his enemy's face. Seeing the Battousai stutter wordlessly, then finally be able to only produce the word Oro –what kind of freak says 'oro' anyway?— before fleeing faster than he had ever moved in all his life was a definite highlight in the cop's existence. Saitou proclaimed himself victor, Kenshin having fled, and, technically, surrendered  
  
Yes, this was definitely a story to tell his sons. The day he finally defeated the Battousai. The look on that runt's face...Saitou found himself laughing aloud.  
  
Needless to say, the underling who had opened the door with a report was startled to see his normally emotionless, frigid commander laughing maniacally and smiling. So startled, in fact, that he was not the only one who had been literally "scared shitless" that night.  
  
So, you like? I have more ideas, but my fragile ego needs more support so that I will feel safe enough to put them into text (sniffle followed by fake tears). Review, I beseech you, before I pull the puppy dog eyes trick. [does sad eyes on the cat in the window, who emits a howl of pain and dies]. Uhhhh...that was because it felt my pain so deeply that it died, NOT because my puppy eyes are the equivalent of others' 'I will rip out your intestines and consume them raw, and then sell your soul to my heathen god, at which point you will burn in a vat of boiling Jell-O for all eternity' expression.  
  
My point is review. This story. So there will be more.  
  
I owe a marginal amount of credit [as life insurance] to Shaolin 10, who used a gag "It was a hot summer night. Kenshin and Courtney were...DOING HOMEWORK", thereby subconsciously implanting it in my brain, where it morphed into a seriously different joke for use at a later date. I would have asked her first but she was away for approximately ninety bazillion days [two weeks] and this story could not wait so long. 


	2. High school with the cast

First off, thanks to my reviewers (all three of them).  
  
Disclaimer: I am going to disclaim my connection with the disappearances of several people. FBI, if you are reading this, they are NOT being kept in test tubes in my basement. I am NOT building an evil army of zombie android clones to take over the world and install my new government system, which would probably be an improvement.  
  
Wait. All you want me to say is that I do not own RK? So THAT'S what disclaimers are for? I'd never seem one before.  
  
I do not own RK.  
  
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In this segment we continue with what it would REALLY be like if the RK cast went to high school, which is a common setting for a totally messed up story [some are probably good, I just haven't PERSONALLY read one].  
  
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Iwekasi Takema was not usually a very happy individual. Not only had the stupid author just strung together a bunch of random Japanese sounding syllables [she hopes] to form his name, but the name she had made meant "steaming pile of horse shit." Naturally, his peers teased him to no end. Walking down the hall on his way to Latin class, he could hear jeers of "Hey, Iwen, your steam smells particularly bad today!" and "Hey, Shitty, how's the homework coming?"  
  
His name wasn't helped by the fact that he was a borderline obnoxious brainiac.  
  
For once, he didn't mind the taunting as much as usual. He only had Latin twice a week, and he really enjoyed it. Other people couldn't see the sense in declensions or conjugations. Ever notice how other people always seem unbelievably stupid? Latin, when you think about it, just makes so much sense. There are barely any irregular words, and you put the sentence in any word order you like, and the meaning is the same. It was just so sensible.  
  
Before he knew it, he was standing outside professor Tajimoto's door. He shuffled his books around in his arms until he had a free hand with which to open the door. Stepping inside, he realized how boring this paragraph was. Then he realized that they had a substitute today. A tall, muscular man with long black hair was standing behind the desk at the front of the room. Well, if you could say standing. He was more like looming in the front of the room, if a man could loom. His huge cape didn't do anything to detract from the effect.  
  
Takema took is seat in the front of the room. He liked to be right under the teacher's nose. Gave him the best chance of being noticed when he raised his hand. Which was most of the time.  
  
The rest of the class filed in, their usual boring selves, taking seats and complaining about how much this class sucked.  
  
When everyone had sat down, the teacher declared, "I am Master Seijiro Hiko the thirteenth. You may call me The Magnificent, Sexy, Deadly, All Powerful One."  
  
The girl next to him snorted, and several others repressed giggles. Who did this guy think he was, anyway?  
  
Hiko's hand flew to the hilt of his katana and he bellowed, "SILENCE! If you wish to learn the Hiten-Mitsurugi art of swordsmanship, YOU MUST RESPECT THE MAGNIFICENT, SEXY, DEADLY, ALL POWERFUL HIKO!!!!"  
  
This, and the fact that his arms were thicker than Takema's head, shut people up. This was great, Takema thought. They had an insane egotistical swordsman as their substitute. He probably killed the principle to get the job.  
  
"Now, lesson one: getting acquainted with your sword."  
  
The smart-aleck Kisho sat in the third row, his hands behind his head, feet placed up on the desk. He was never well behaved, and regarded substitutes as sport. "But we were supposed to learn the imperitive case today."  
  
Hiko was glaring at the casually insulting cynic.  
  
"'Getting to know your sword'? You make your Hiten-Mitsurugi style sound like a program for drunk, drug-addled loonies.  
  
The man was positively livid now, but Kisho took no notice.  
  
"Are you just reliving your past experiences with us?"  
  
Hiko snapped. He walked over to where Kisho was sitting and took his sword out of his belt, then raised it above his head, sheath and all. He brought it smashing down onto Kisho's wooden desk, splintering it into a thousand pieces, raising both a puff of smoke and collective gasps from the onlookers. Someone screamed.  
  
"Everyone grab a splinter of his desk and show me your stances. NOW!!"  
  
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Katarai Nami knew she would be late to class if she went to the bathroom. Master Fujito was very strict about being late, but she preferred having an empty bladder to having to suffer through an entire 120 minute block without the bathroom, even if it meant a scolding. Naturally, he wouldn't let you leave the class even if you were literally wetting your pants. Which had happened to several students, who had to sit there for the rest of the class, because the old bat would not let them leave.  
  
She opened the door that said "women" on it with a quick thought of 'why are all the signs in English? Must be another stupid fanfiction.' followed by a wave of relief. There was one open stall. And it was hers. She put her books up on the little shelf provided for that purpose, then opened the door of the stall.  
  
Her heart stopped. There was someone- a male someone- on the toilet. He was sitting cross-legged on the closed lid, his eyes shut and hands on his knees. He was meditating. He was also very hot.  
  
She screamed, and his eyes snapped open. He remarked nonchalantly, "I enjoy the privacy these white shrines provide, though they are a little cramped."  
  
Yes. Aoshi Shinomori was meditating in a toilet stall.  
  
She fainted dead away.  
  
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Sanosuke, Yahiko, and Kaoru were eating lunch in an overcrowded cafeteria. They had been served slop that made Kaoru's food taste like gourmet cooking, as Yahiko pointed out immediately, earning himself a face full of what vaguely resembled mashed potatoes.  
  
Sano was complaining about a weird porcelain monster that tried to "suck his [insert your favorite slang words for reproductive organs] into the dark region! I mean, I just sat down and WOOSH–!  
  
"You think your day was bad?" Asked an abnormally glum Kenshin as he put down his tray. "In this gi I've been hit on by so many guys it's not even funny. And I don't even know which is worse, the ones who think that I'm a girl, or the ones that realize I'm a guy."  
  
Yay, ending. I have some ideas for a part 2 to this (Shishio as a motivational speaker), there might be a sequel if I think of a few more.  
  
If you have a genre you want to see parodied or any other random idea, I could use the suggestions. 


	3. Umm another chapter

'Da claimer of 'da diss: not mine  
  
It was a dark, quiet night. The hour was late and the city of Kyoto was asleep. All asleep, it seemed, except for one lone figure perched on the rooftop. The full moon cast his shadow down onto a dark alley. His dark form was unmoving, a gargoyle waiting to spring to life at the call of his master.  
  
Henya crouched, wrapped in his dark cloak, on one of the rooftops of Kyoto (Assume this is before he dies or goes to jail or whatever). He was 'Soaring Henya', working under Makoto Shishio, and he had an important job to do this night. He began scanning the alleys for his victim.  
  
[The final battle of the Shimabara arc, Kenshin versus The Son Of God Dude (whatever his name was)] [I don't remember the exact dialogue so I'll wing it, please forgive my lack of memorizing every single episode]  
  
After a long, hard battle, both men were worn out, bleeding profusely. Kenshin had been knocked around by so many attacks that he should have, technically, died, but this is anime, so screw the laws of medicine!  
  
Kenshin straightened himself up and proceeded to look very cool–with his shirt hanging open, of course. [Meanwhile, hundreds of fangirls were electrocuted. The police would never figure out why they found so many girls lying dead near a fried TV-set, and, when the autopsy was preformed, the electric shock seemed to have entered through their tongues.] Back to Kenshin. He declared, "Only our Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki will decide this battle, and who is really the strongest."  
  
"My Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki will defeat you, and my people will be able to practice Christianity in the Land of God, and they will be free to wear such hideously uncoordinated outfits as the one I am currently displaying."  
  
On the sidelines, Yahiko whispered to Kaoru, "Do ya think their gonna use the Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki?"  
  
Kaoru whacked him upside the head and replied, "Queit, Yahiko! I want to see Kenshin use his Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki!"  
  
"You want to see down Kenshin's shirt as he uses his Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki, more like," drawled Saitou, who had just appeared randomly.  
  
"Oh Saitou! What are you doing here? Kenshin's just about to use his Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki!" Kaoru said, surprised.  
  
"Yes, we have already repeatedly established the fact that Kenshin's about to use his Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki, and I have come to see his Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki, and determine whether his Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki or my Gattoutsu would win in a contest of swordsmanship," Saitou said, all in one breath, so that he doubled over and began gasping. "Damn, I hope being doubled over and gasping doesn't mean that I have to miss his Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki."  
  
Yahiko, unable to hold onto the premise of being stupid and little anymore, declared sarcastically, "I sure do love the dramatic buildup to important moves such as the—No! I must fight the urge...can't...hold on...urghh... Amakakeru ryuu no Hirameki!"  
  
Finally, Kenshin and The Son of God Dude charged each other and began to yell, in unison, "Hiten Mitsurugi style...Amakakeru ryuu no ugh!"  
  
"Ryuu no ugh?" asked Yahiko bewilderedly.  
  
As the dust cleared, the onlookers saw Kenshin and T.S.O.G.D jumbled in a heap. Everyone was silent for a beat, and then there came a sound so foreign to this earth that many had to cover theirs ears and the ears of the small children, for fear that they would be traumatized for life. Saitou was laughing, for the second time in this story.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! YOU SEE NOW THE TRUE WEAKNESS OF THE HITEN MITSURUGI STYLE NOW!!! THEIR MOVE NAMES ARE SO LONG, THEY CAN'T GET TO THE ATTACK SOON ENOUGH BEFORE THEY RUN INTO EACHOTHER!!!!  
  
The jumble of bodies made a noise that sounded distinctly like an oro.  
  
The angry mews of an alley cat that alerted Henya that he had finally found his victim. He had searched for many year to find the one who would fight by his side loyally, and together they would rule Gotham City! ...I mean Kyoto.  
  
He spread his wings wide an swooped into the alley, plucking the cat from the street and landing back on the rooftop in one soaring motion.  
  
"I dub thee Robin, protector of Gotham City and sidekick to Batman, the Dark Knight!" He spread his wings wide, exposing the bat symbol on his chest. "It is time for your first test!"  
  
Yahiko was walking Tsubame home from the Akabeko, because he didn't want her on the streets alone at this hour. It was the full moon. Again. They had a full moon at least twice a week, because it was the most dramatic for battles and love scenes. They had been silent for the entire time, and he was quite surprised when Tsubame said his name in her quiet voice.  
  
"...Yahiko? Can I ask you something?"  
  
"...Sure, Tsubame, anything you'd like." He steadied himself for a confession of undying love, and began planning his equally passionate response.  
  
"...Yahiko, why...why is the moon green?"  
  
Yahiko did a magnificent face fall, anime-style.  
  
"...Yahiko?"  
  
A few moments later, the cat was clothed in a ridiculous spandex outfit, including a green face mask. The cat had squirmed and howled and clawed, but Henya had still put it in the outfit, and was preparing the first test.  
  
"And now, your first test. Robin, the feline wonder, my sidekick, can fly. With your magical cape, you will soar through the skies like no animal of your species has before. Fly now, my friend, show me the power of the bat! Be free! FLY!" He grabbed the cat and pitched it off the roof of the building.  
  
[After the Shishio arc, when they have returned to Kyoto.]  
  
"Kenshin, what's wrong? You've barely eaten since we got back from Kyoto." It was dinnertime at the Dojo, and Kaoru was getting worried. Megumi said Kenshin was fine, and he would get his strength back soon. Was there some internal injury that Megumi had not found? "You need to eat to get your strength back! Are you still hurt?"  
  
"No, that is not what is bothering Sessha, that it is not."  
  
"Well, what is it then? MY COOKING?"  
  
"No Miss Kaoru, your cooking is very nice, that it is."  
  
"WELL THEN WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?"  
  
Kenshin figured now was the time to tell her. Sano and Yahiko had eaten at light speed, then left to continue with whatever it was that they did in their spare time. "Well...you see Miss Kaoru...Sessha went to pay a visit to master Hiko before we left Kyoto..."  
  
"...AND?"  
  
"When Sessha got there...Shishou was...well...he was busy."  
  
"What's so bad about that?"  
  
"Sessha doesn't mean that he was busy, Sessha means the he was BUSY."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Shishou was uh...doing...you-know-what."  
  
"Oh," Thinking about it for a moment, Kaoru came up with something much more dramatic. "OH MY GOD YOU MUST SEE THAT EVERY TIME YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES!!! YOU POOR GUY!!" She gave him a very unexpected hug.  
  
After a few moments of comfort in Kaoru's arms, Kenshin whispered "...And that's not even the worst part."  
  
"...Kenshin?"  
  
"...He didn't even take off his cape."  
  
"OH MY GOD!! Hold me Kenshin!"  
  
SPLAT.  
  
Damn. Another Robin had fallen to his doom tonight.  
  
"...Looks like I'm gonna have to wash that costume..."  
  
No kitties were harmed in the making of this Fanfic. 


End file.
